Jynx

I never bought the tall-tales of the major monotheistic faiths. Even before I could accurately call myself an atheist, I eschewed organized religion of all forms. I recognized blind obedience in others when I saw it...I just didn't recognize it in myself until I was much older.

Still, I held a number of absurd supernatural beliefs cobbled together from various and sundry sources. My quest for the timeless truths of life and the universe led me to mythology and ancient religious philosophy, sprinkled with just a touch of New Age pseudoscience for good measure. A sickening concoction barely resembling reality at all.

Irony prevailed when I ordered and read a book by Dan Barker entitled "Losing Faith in Faith". My interest in it was initially fed by my growing concern with religious fundamentalism and its role in shaping our world today. I poured over Mr. Barker's book in almost one sitting, stopping only occasionally to reflect on his tale of leaving his post as a traveling evangelical minister to become an outspoken atheist and head of the Freedom from Religion Foundation. Although I had hoped to find within its pages methods of confronting and debating evangelical Christians, I also found something I wasn't looking for: A direct challenge to my own faith.

I finished the book somewhere around midday and forced myself to put it down as a feeling of absolute dread swept over me. At the time I had no idea why I felt that way. I remember feeling frozen in time and awash with sensations of doubt and confusion. Fleeing my apartment, I hoped for fresh air and perhaps a distraction to ease my distress.

All of my beliefs, my carefully constructed worldview...had faded to nothing. I realized the incredible amount of effort I had expended over the years to rationalize my beliefs. The mental gymnastics I was required to perform on a daily basis to maintain those views had become utterly exhausting. Yet without them...what did I have? If I did not know them to be true, what did I know to be true?

I looked around and noticed for the first time in a long time the sheer beauty and complexity of the universe. A bird flew overhead and I vaguely recalled the principles of aerodynamics and evolution which allowed such a thing to exist. A car drove by and I thought of the thousands of inventors, engineers and scientists necessary to bring such a thing into existence. Truth was all around me. To this day I can recall in perfect detail the feeling of absolute awe and wonder which flooded me as my mind grasped for the first time the achievements of mankind and how incredible it is that we are capable of such things. All of these things were achieved not by those of us waiting around for a god or spirit or demon or "universal consciousness" to give them to us, but by those of us willing and able to discover truth ourselves and re-shape nature to suit our needs.

I looked down at my watch and noted the time: I had become an atheist at exactly 4:02 on a warm August afternoon in Fort Worth, Texas. I have never regretted it.

Jamie Farren (Jynx)

Texas Panhandle